Failing...

So I have discovered that I am failing on a daily basis...

My thoughts about this began in late June, when I was having a hard time getting to work...

As July first, and the start of my sabbatical year, was approaching, I was trying to get myself into a good schedule. So like I generally do, I sat down and wrote a daily schedule for myself. Here it is:

Daily Schedule for Karen's Sabbatical (Monday - Friday)
6:45 Wake up
8:00  Eucharist at St. Bene't's (Leave flat at 7:40)
8:30-9:30 Errands if necessary - not longer than an hour
9:30-12:30(or 1:30) Composition/Creative Work
(12:30 or 1 Workout) or see below
13:30-14:00 Lunch
14-14:30 Cello Practice
14:30-18:00 One of the following:
              a) Academic research/Writing (Mon-Wed, Fri)
              b) Meet with others - composers, visitors, friends
              c) Clean flat (Thurs)
              d) Other creative work
(17:30 or 18:00 - Workout) or see above and below
19:00 Supper
(20:30 or 21:00 - Workout) LAST CHANCE
21:30 Quick clean-up, dishes...etc
22:00 Bedtime reading
22:45 Lights Out

I was happy with this schedule, I thought it gave me enough freedom, as well as enough structure... But knowing myself, I knew that I would give myself excuses and not follow this daily. So I created a set of rules that I called "Karen's Sabbatical Rules!" Here they are:

Karen's Sabbatical Rules

1. Follow schedule. If schedule needs alteration then:
1. Composition time MUST be made up either later in the day OR on Saturday.
2. When failure to move to next task occurs then the next closest task must be followed ASAP. No slander of oneself allowed.
3. Evening free time and screen time taken away when schedule NOT followed for NO GOOD reason.
4. Workouts MUST happen everyday...
5. If 8am Eucharist is missed, then workout MUST happen immediately.
2. No screen time for games, movies, TV, Facebook, radio shows...etc during composition or afternoon academic times.
3. Screen time may occur during lunch-time, clean-up times, evenings and weekends.
4. Enjoy a day-off or a night-out (even very late!) But I must return to schedule ASAP even after a sleep-in.
5. Saturdays are free days - Make plans for this day! Take in festivals, concerts, museums...etc. Schedule NOT to be followed except:
1. If schedule during week was broken and needs making-up.
2. If too many days-off taken.
6. Be gentle with myself. I will fail...the most important thing is to get back on the horse...I am great...And loved.

I was also happy with these sets of rules... I thought it gave me enough to forgive myself for not following the schedule, but trying to create more motivation to follow the schedule. I also created a list of what I want to be doing! Here that is:

What I want to be doing on my sabbatical (Some these were as of July 1st...and so have been completed I have been adding to the list as I go...I'm sure it will continue to change...and this doesn't include my knitting and crocheting projects!):

1. Composing choral piece for the Gent's (DONE - I wrote two)
2. Finish solo Piano piece for Darryl (working on)
3. Finish solo Flute/graphic piece
4. Compose more electronic pieces with recordings of voices
5. Meet with local composers (maybe create a "collective" in Cambridge) (Started!)
6. Figure out a way to make some $ without losing my creative time.
7. Work at getting an article or two published from papers I've given.
8. Make sure all is set for 2014-15 school year at Providence (I think I did this, but I will see as the year begins!)
9. Maybe look for a job? (related to 6...not sure why these are separate items...) but can't be too much, need to keep focussed on sabbatical. (started!)
10. Learn Sibelius (started!)         
11. Practice Piano, take lessons?
12. Network with composers (this is related to 5...again not sure why I made this a separate item?
13. Exercise regularly.
14. Enjoy Cambridge
15. Upload finished pieces to CMC
16. Write Piano Quintet for Agassiz Chamber Music Festival (Due February 2015) 
17. Maybe take German lessons?
18. Play cello with local groups and amateur musicians (already doing...fun!)

The last four items were recently added, as I remembered them...but I find it helpful to have a running list!

So, what have I found after trying to follow this schedule for a month and a half?

I have never followed the entire day's schedule! Not once! It seems impossible that I can't follow it, but six weeks later here I am. Every day I get up with the intention to follow it...but then...I compose for a few hours longer, I'm too tired to do the workout (poor excuse)... I start playing my iPhone games obsessively (this is a real problem that I am continuously working on), I decide to bake a cake... and the list goes one. There are always a few things that I don't do, often two or three! Generally it is the workout and cello practice! Both things that I really want to do regularly, but that I make excuses not to do.

I also realized that I regularly create schedules to follow, and I never follow them!

But this time, I am thinking about this, on a daily basis because I have posted the schedule, rules and goals above my desk:

Even though I have not followed my schedule even once...I am still getting work done. I am still doing at least some of the things each day. I need the schedule to get me going, and I need to keep trying to follow it! But I have been getting things accomplished and that is a good thing.

I know more what is causing me to fail:
1 - iPhone games
2 - Not going to bed early enough (so sleeping past Morning Eucharist)
3 - Not moving on to the next thing, when I should.
All of those things are related to procrastination...of which I am a master!

I've also rediscovered that I work best in the morning, I will alway procrastinate terribly in the afternoon - (between 1-4) and I like to knit or crochet and watch TV in the evenings, so I have a hard time doing anything else in the evening slots!

So I think for now I am feeling ok that I am failing! As long as I continue to work at getting better.